Thursday, June 2, 2016

Thankful...

Well…Hello,

It has been quite a while since I’ve put my thoughts to “paper”.  It is definitely not because of a lack of thoughts.  Or maybe to be clearer, not because of a lack of critical thoughts, deep questions, pivotal moments (in hindsight), etc. Let me rewind…

I stumbled upon a thought recently.  This thought was…I’ve had this feeling of searching for something my whole life with hopes of finding this something one day.  And now I had the sense of release from that search as if I found that “something”.  It was a very deep feeling at the time and I remember that I suddenly felt lighter.  As if my weight was pouring down my body and into the ground.  I was in my backyard and I would describe it as the weight dissipating to the ground around my feet.  At the time, it made me pause slightly, then I suddenly felt…Happy.  Well, I’m usually a pretty happy and at peace person.  But at this time my happiness level seamed to “level up” a bit.  I then looked up at the sky and the biggest smile swept over my face.  Its hard to truly describe the feeling that swept over me during those moments.  As I don’t feel like I can type any words to truly describe that feeling.  But I will add that to date, I feel like that moment in hindsight was one of the best moments of my life.  Wow…typing that brings a tear to my face.

Some may not consider a random moment, in your backyard, hanging with a dog and some chickens, being a pivotal moment in ones life.  But for me, it was.  We create our moments and we decide how to perceive the things that are placed in our sensory field.  And recently I feel as if I’ve been able to tap into a deeper part of myself. And in this, I have come to many personal realizations.  This experience being one of them. 

Even though I had this thought and subsequent feeling of being happier, lighter, more at peace…I couldn’t really pin point what I had “figured out”.  Again, the words escaped me.  But I felt I had learned something and also had a greater sense of knowledge that I couldn’t really describe. How can I have this greater happiness yet not fully understand why?

I don’t remember whether I pondered this question to myself for some time, but being who I am at this point I moved on from it and accepted this new found greater sense of happiness and continued to spread smiles throughout my path.

Fast forward to some weeks later and I’m listening to a podcast and I hear this phrase…

               “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.” - Heraclitus

Whoa!

I had been searching for something I was never going to find. 

I was searching for myself.

Who am I.

You…are!

These are the thoughts that came to me as I heard that being said.  I then felt as if I knew what it was that I released in that moment in the backyard.  I stopped my searching.  Or maybe its better put…my search had ended.  I knew internally that I could release those feelings, thoughts, and actions of trying to figure out who I was. And just be me. I’m always going to be changing.  I’m always going to be growing.  And also, things are always going to be changing around me.  My environment. My job. My family. My friends. Everything…

But this is ok and I felt the sense of accepting this in that moment as those thoughts crossed my mind.  Life is change.  And I also, will be forever changing.  Like plants sprouting and being picked in a garden and the sands that are swept into the deep ocean.  In accepting this I feel as if I have leveled up my happiness and I feel lighter.  Possibly actually lighter also as I’m down to the same weight I was sophomore year at MSU (yes…I’m very surprised!).

So…maybe this is why I hadn’t written much in the recent years other than quick snip-its of my thoughts in status up dates or insta-post. I hadn’t felt I could fully encompass my thoughts in a snip-it.  And…really, I didn’t know what to write due to this feeling of the constant mindset of searching I put myself in.  Maybe I felt this because of the constant change around me and I couldn’t express my thoughts well.  Or maybe it was the thoughts of embarrassment of the then life situations or not wanting to publish my true, honest thoughts and/or feelings.  Not really sure, nor do I feel the need to figure out the why.  Just accepting that also. 

We don’t need to find ourselves, because we our ourselves.  Be you.  Be that forever changing you, without judgment and accept yourself.  And also, just as importantly accept the forever changing world around you.  For we cannot forever hold onto something that is forever changing.  We only have it for a moment. And in that moment is all its value.


Namaste.  

Freddie